the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
