i just sent this text using only my big toe
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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