anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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