I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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