when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
