He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Randomize
