also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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