In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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