my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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