So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
