In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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