1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Your tits are I can't wait for
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
