3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
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