I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Randomize
