I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She's the barista slut.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
