Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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