There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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