I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
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