checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
