i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
