He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
even my farts smell like vagina
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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