Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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