Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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