just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
We left an ass print on the piano.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
