Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Randomize
