I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
So much rum. So many feels.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
