I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
