I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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