Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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