My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
