Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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