I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
