Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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