He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
