dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
