This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
