i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
