theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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