sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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