buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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