I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
