Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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