Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
