Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
