I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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