i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
