Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
