If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
