You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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