look no pants
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
