conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
