i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
