remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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